Boost!

Copyright Ken Brady. No reproduction without express permission from the author.
(Originally published in DAILY CABAL, 2009)

Thank you for purchasing Boost! With over twenty years on the market, we’re confident that we know you and your body, inside and out. Boost! is the professional choice to keep you going when nothing else will. Used as directed, you’ll be glad you were prepared.

Boost!: Because You’re Not Done Yet!

Warning

This product may contain one or more of the following nanite constructs: subdermal wound sealants, isometric muscle enhancers, optic augmentation bots, skeletal substrate constructors (including endosteum metallizers), arch support reactive compression mechanisms, CarboTube(TM) pulmonary baffles, cochlear funneling webs, aortic bryton cyclers, pituitary magnifiers, other natural and nature-identical constructs.

Possible side-effects include: temporary blindness, intense muscle pain and joint stiffness due to accelerated growth, sensory irritation, feelings of disorientation, moments of extreme rage, prolonged elevated fever, fatigue, loss of memory, slurred speech, random outbursts, death.

Do not administer to children under six (6) or elderly over one hundred forty (140).

Instructions

Remove child-proof cap. Place patented Boost! applicator against neck as shown on applicator package. Squeeze applicator until empty. Nanites will begin rebuilding tissues and augmenting functionality immediately.

It will take approximately 1 minute, 45 seconds (1:45) from the time nanites begin rebuilding user’s tissue to full internal augmentation. We highly suggest user finds a suitable hiding place while the process completes.

When full augmentation is reached, user will have 15 minutes of enhanced functionality. The glucose pack included with the Boost! applicator will provide up to two (2) additional minutes of enhancement. Functionality beyond that time, augmented or otherwise, is neither guaranteed nor implied.

Should Boost! not perform as described and user survives partial augmentation, return applicator and packaging, along with blood and DNA samples for a refund assessment.

Use as directed. For terrestrial military use only.