In Ur Tubez

Copyright Ken Brady. No reproduction without express permission from the author.
(Originally published in DAILY CABAL, 2009)

The would-be invaders of Earth fell victim to gross miscalculation. Vast technological development for a full scale attack nullified by last minute language research.

Bad intelligence. Nothing more.

The fleet’s pilot ship punched through the atmosphere and zeroed in on Silicon Valley. They found empty parking spaces outside the Googleplex, and set down across two of them.

The ramp descended and Admiral Lulz, flanked by a dozen armed elite soldiers, stepped out onto the tarmac, next to an extremely large Honda Fit. Another miscalculation: Lulz had expected Earth vehicles to be smaller.

Humans, gargantuan in size, streamed out of Google, rushed to the ship. In moments, Twitter was abuzz with blurry iPhone photos of the craft and its diminutive crew.

“Look,” said one woman. “They’re so cute!”

Lulz couldn’t understand the words. “WTF?” he said.

“ZOMG! Big ppl iz big!” Commander 2ch said.

“Shud tlk 2 thm,” Lulz said.

“And they make cute little squeaking noises,” the woman said.

The soldiers set up a holoscreen so the humans could view their words.

“Oh hai,” typed Lulz. “I cn haz talk wif ur leedr?”

The people read the text, then began to giggle. Lulz realized he was being taunted.

There was a foolproof way to get them to give in. He cracked his knuckles then typed, “All your base are belong to us!” He grinned maniacally. The soldiers leveled their blasters at the crowd of people.

Another woman leaned down and hugged two of the soldiers. Stunned, they dropped their weapons and squirmed. “Aren’t you just precious,” she said.

2ch was furious. “Hw cn thy do tht? R troops r l33t!” he said.

“Attack!” Lulz said.

They fired their weapons, resulting in clicks and one embarrassing pop and fizzle. The soldiers stared in silence at the lack of death and carnage.

One Google guy leaned down and picked up a blaster. “Doesn’t work?” he said. “Need better QA, guys.” He turned to the woman who was now tickling the two small soldiers.

“What a wasted trip,” he said. “Maybe they should have just texted us.”

He turned around and walked back toward the building. The others followed.

“4 teh Lulz!” 2ch said, and rushed the retreating humans.

Google guy turned around and pointed the blaster at 2ch. “LOL Wut?” he said, and 2ch screeched and retreated in fear. The man, laughing, headed back to work.

Lulz facepalmed, then returned, dejected, to the ship. His soldiers, useless without functioning weapons, followed.

The ship rose above the Bay Area and rejoined the fleet. For several days they monitored the intarweb, trying to decipher societies more complex than anticipated.

Reports of the incident in Mountain View flooded in. Many were scared. Some were fascinated by the prospect of new technology and otherworldly life. Some religious fanatics claimed the beginning and/or end of the world.

Mostly, people just thought the cute little aliens were funny as hell.

People uploaded remixed videos and Flash animations to YouTube and NicoNico Douga, Weezer planned to include the footage in their latest music video, and a Korean schoolboy figured out how to make a functional alien blaster in his parents’ basement from the pics and specs Google guy uploaded.

Humiliated, Lulz pulled up the universal browser, located his destination, and clicked the “I’m feeling lucky” button to take them home.