Copyright Ken Brady. No reproduction without express permission from the author.
(Originally published in DAILY CABAL, 2010)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Jesus Christ Now Owns Every Major Game Developer
SAN FRANCISCO, January 1 – Playing God Studios (Nasdaq: PGS) today announced its acquisition of the last two major independent studios, making its takeover of the video game industry almost complete.
“I was sick and tired of games not living up to their potential,” said Jesus Christ, CEO of PGS. “Dumbing down titles for the console market just makes me want to scream. I’ve been playing games for a long time. Realizing the futility of fighting the supernatural is good! Sure, Halo hooked me on consoles like everyone else, but it’s just too easy to take down the gods in games these days. Don’t whine if a game is too hard. RTFM, guys.”
In addition to taking over all phases of game ideation, testing, and production, PGS will host multiplayer servers in its proprietary Heavenly Cloud.
“It’s a win-win for everyone,” Jesus said. “No worrying about ratings boards, rehashed ideas, lag, crashed servers. Gamers get better games, parents can be sure their kids will learn how to kill responsibly and in keeping with Christian tradition, and I get richer than Carlos Slim. I am the alpha and omega, concept and gold master. Every phase, it’s all about me.”
Industry heavy-hitters agree these purchases will help PGS acquire millions of new users and bring them into the light.
Square Enix is thrilled. PR director Nao Watanabe said, “Finally, someone else understands that infinite complexity makes games better, and offers more opportunity for hundreds of spin-offs and downloadable content.”
“Not like we can do anything about it,” said Jack Ortega, spokesman for Activision Blizzard. “He’s the son of God. He’s got good lawyers.”
What’s next for PGS? How about banishing inferior game designers to Hell to beta Duke Nukem Forever?
Jesus offered one piece of advice: “If you see me online, don’t challenge me. I only play in God mode. I will fucking smite you.”
Founded in 2011, Playing God Studios was formed by Jesus Christ and a number of angel investors. A long-time gamer, Jesus has become the most sought-after alpha tester in history, coming up with so many good ideas he’s been called the “savior of the game industry.”
If you would like more information, or to schedule an interview with Jesus, call (555) 888-1480 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
SOURCE: PGS, Inc.